28 Optimus Primes
by Abandonment Personified
Summary: The 28 "character" meme thing... I figured someone else has already done this somewhere, but what the heck, I need to get rid of my writer's block. Reviews are greatly appreciated.
1. Naive

((Writer's block, begone! *waves hands dramatically*

Thought I'd give the 28 "character" meme a shot. I'm going to be tormenting our favorite Autobot leader for a little... x] Thanks to Vector Sigma3441 for giving me the list.

I don't own TF.))

-----

**Naive**

"Prime! Hey, Prime! I've got a question!"

Optimus paused in the hallway, inwardly wincing at the irritatingly cheerful voice floating over to him. "What is it Sideswipe?"

The Lamborghini grinned mischievously. "What does a mathematician study?"

Disbelief flickered through the Autobot leader's CPU. "Mathematics. Shouldn't you -"

"What does a tactician study?" Sideswipe interrupted, his expression turning outright devillish.

"Tactics." Optimus frowned. "If you need the definitions of all these there are better sources -"

"What does a musician study?"

Optimus sighed. "Music. Now _please_ if you do not have anything of importance to discuss..."

"No, wait, just one more." At this point Sideswipe was visibly trying (and on the verge of failing) to conceal his laughter. "So if a mathematician studies mathematics, a tactician studies tactics, and a musician studies music, who studies physics?"

He was on the point of dragging the little red demon to his office for a good lecture, but hastily answered in the hopes that it would satisfy Sideswipe. "A physician."

-----

((I didn't come up with the joke, my brother gave me this particular plot bunny.

And by the way, if you didn't know, a person who studies physics is called a physicist. A physician is something like a doctor...))


	2. Drinking Energon

((Thanks for the reviews everyone. They're like chicken soup for the writer's soul... hey, isn't that a book? :3

I will try to do at least one of these a day if possible... it shouldn't be too hard. I hope. I'm getting lazy again... ^^

Taurucis does not own TF, stop poking her with pointy sticks.))

-----

**Drinking Energon**

A very outlandish question wandered across Optimus Prime's CPU late one night.

He wondered why Energon was almost always stored in cubes.

_There must be a reason why humans do not create cube-shaped drinking vessels, _he mused as he swirled the purplish-pink substance around in its cube. _Cubes aren't the easiest shape to drink out of._

As he took a sip, his reasoning was affirmed soon enough.

_Especially when they're this size._ He wiped away a stray trickle of Energon running down his chin. _Maybe it has to do with easy storage, or convenience._

But still, he couldn't help but think about variants on Energon cubes. Spherical containers, conical containers, hexagonal containers...

Suddenly, he blinked, sitting up a little straighter behind his cluttered desk, and asked himself why he was thinking about the shape of the containers that Energon came in.

_They can be frustrating sometimes, but they're still important no matter what,_ he told himself._ Nonetheless, they're good at what they're meant to do, and what shape they come in doesn't affect things much_

_And the stuff inside them is always good,_ he concluded as he drained the remaining Energon in a single gulp.

As he tidied up his office for the night, he couldn't help but notice the odd similarities between an Energon cube and his Autobot crewmates.

They could be frustrating and even outright irritating at times, but that didn't make them any less important.

They were good at their tasks.

No one made a huge fuss about what their crewmates looked like._ Well, except for Sunstreaker, maybe..._

But it was what lay within their exteriors that really mattered.

_As the human saying goes..._ Optimus smiled to himself, closing the door behind him as he left. _It's not the outside that matters, it's what's inside._

-----

((I don't know why, but while I was writing this, I kept thinking of the G1 episode where Megatron and his homeboys got wasted on Energon. While I was watching that clip I thought "WHAT?! How do they drink it without spilling? Those cubes are about twice as wide as their heads!"

Anyway, I'm not exactly sure how I made a mindless drabble about the shape of Energon cubes into something about friendship. And I can't help but think that if the ending was any fuzzier, it would pass for a blanket...))


	3. Well shagged

((And a double shot for today. I love loopholes...

*points to self* Doesn't own TF! ))

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**Well Shagged**

Optimus knelt down so that he could get a better look at the dog trying to wriggle out of Spike's arms.

"He is a fine specimen," the Autobot leader remarked.

"He looked pretty bad before we cleaned him up," Spike replied, scratching the Dalmatian between the ears. "If he wasn't so skinny, you'd never guess he was a stray."

The Dalmatian managed to slither free and made his way over to Optimus, sniffing the huge mech's foot.

Optimus smiled down at the animal. "It seems that he has taken a liking to me..."

An awkward silence fell as the white and black-spotted dog began to get "aquainted" with Prime's ankle.

"Too much of a liking," Spike laughed nervously.

-----

((Meh. Sometimes when you can't write any more to a story you'll know that there isn't any more to be said... Anyway I know this part might not be what you guys expected, but I don't like to (and can't...) write slash or lemons.))


	4. Daring

((One of the little voices in my head is telling me that this might have OOC-ness, but this particular plot bunny is growing too fat to ignore... Basically, Optimus tries Jet Judo.

I don't own TF.))

-----

**Daring**

Three Autobots peered down into the canyon from their vantage point on the edge of a cliff.

"Here's what you do," Sideswipe advised. "It's simple, really. You wait for them to fly past and you just drop down on them."

"Normally we attack from the ground, but seeing as you're new to this, we figured you should start with this." Sunstreaker brushed a thin layer of dust off his chest. "Or rather, my _dear brother_ figured you should start with this, and pestered me until I had no choice but to give in. I'm getting covered in dust here."

Optimus ignored the twins' bickering, nervousness making his Spark feel fluttery.

_There's nothing to it,_ he told himself. _Don't worry so much. You can face down Megatron, hold off when the odds are stacked against you, and save the Earth all in a day... this shouldn't be anywhere near as hard._

However, the sound of jet engines as they roared through the canyon didn't do much to help...

"Look alive! Seekers at twelve o'clock!" Sideswipe paused, and added in an undertone, "Even though it's a little past two..."

Sunstreaker pounced off the cliff. "I call Thundercracker!"

There was a loud clank, a furious yell following shortly after.

"Alright, I'll take Skywarp and you can have Starscream. He's a nasty little slaghead, he's fast, he yells a lot and tries to throw you off, but at least he doesn't teleport out from underneath you... Good luck!" Sideswipe leapt down and landed deftly on his target.

Optimus glanced down at Starscream, who was flying rings around the other two Seekers, firing madly to try and dislodge their riders. The three hundred foot drop down was starting to look at least five times as long...

He closed his optics momentarily._ I will never, ever accept a challenge from the twins again..._

As Starscream neared the cliff, Optimus jumped down...

He saw the white, blue, and red Seeker beneath him, perfectly aligned for a safe landing...

He saw Starscream bank sharply to evade, leaving nothing below him but dusty canyon floor, and instinctively thought, _Oh slag..._

**WHAM.**

**-----**

((I wish this actually happened in the cartoon. Oh well...))


	5. Greedy

((I had a huge amount of trouble with this... OP doesn't seem to be the kind of guy who succumbs to greed.

Word of warning, this is a bit of a crackfic.

I don't own TF, btw. Neither do I own the game mentioned in this chapter...))

------

**Greedy**

"Why haven't we seen Prime at all today?" Bumblebee asked. "He's usually up and about by now. Where is he? I've got a scouting report that's got to be turned in right away..."

Wheeljack petted the yellow mini-bot on the head. "Long story, 'Bee. Now, listen close..."

_10 hours ago..._

A notice went out among all crew members of the Ark: _Keg party in half an hour. There'll be high grade, a Heroes of Might and Magic 3 tournament, high grade, and did I forget to mention that there will be high grade?_

Being a fan of every type of strategy game, Optimus decided not to miss out. And besides, there was high grade involved.

_45 minutes later..._

By now, he was glad that he had come. The high grade was good - in fact it was the best high grade he had ever tasted in a long, long time. It was the kind of stuff where once you took a sip, you just had to have more.

_An hour later..._

"I propose a drinking game," Optimus suggested, his disturbingly cheerful mood due to no less than four cubes of high-grade. "Whenever Jazz uses a lame-aft tactic, everyone present takes a drink."

"We'll all be over-energized out of our wits within five minutes," Ratchet remarked dryly.

Jazz looked up from his computer terminal. "Hey!"

_Another hour later..._

"Are you sure you want to go up against Prowl?" Bluestreak asked, almost bouncing up and down on his feet from excitement. "You're looking kind of intoxicated and usually when you're intoxicated it's a bad idea to do anything which requires a lot of strategy because when you're intoxicated it makes you do stupid things -"

"I'm perfectly fine, Bluestreak." Optimus patted him on the shoulder and downed another cube of high grade.

_Half an hour later..._

"Ouch." Sideswipe winced in sympathy.

"That can't be good," Mirage observed.

"Couldn't have done it better myself," Wheeljack said happily.

Ratchet shook his head. "I never thought I'd see the day when Prime offered an ordinary computer a cube of high grade..."

"...And pour the high grade into the keyboard when it didn't reply." Bluestreak shivered. "I didn't think it would _explode_ like that..."

_Another hour later..._

"I told you, I'm _perfectly_ _fine..._"

Despite his stubborn denial, anyone could tell that Optimus was way too over-energized for his own good. His optics were unfocused and he seemed certain that Ironhide was a seat of some sort.

"If you're _perfectly fine,_ I'm a monkey's uncle." Ratchet gently tugged on Prime's arm. "Come on. Let's get you to your room..."

Optimus produced a banana from his subspace pocket and offered it to the CMO.

_Twenty minutes later..._

"Perhaps... you're right," the Autobot leader mumbled to an old dent in the wall. "I have had enough for one night." He picked up a half-empty cube of high grade and stared thickly at it before setting it down on one of the three tables next to him.

The cube crashed to the floor, spilling its contents.

"Where'd the tables go?" Optimus asked. "There were three of them..."

"Alright, you." Ratchet gave him a firm shove towards the exit. "Bed. _Now._ You're going to offline yourself at this rate."

"Yessir," the poor over-energized mech replied, ambling unsteadily towards his room.

_Clank!_ He missed the exit entirely, colliding head-on with the wall.

-----

((Meh. Not really my best work... Hopefully, the next one won't be this mind-boggling to write.))


	6. Transforming

((This one should be much better than the last one. I usually accept the thing about his trailer being kept in subspace, but I'll waive that reasoning for this part...

I need to stop updating so late at night.

I don't own TF.))

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**Transforming**

It was a mystery as to where Optimus Prime's trailer went when he transformed.

Hopefully the mystery would be solved by Wheeljack's latest suggestion...

Optimus was currently standing in a large, empty room. He felt a little foolish about the whole deal, transforming into his alt-mode when there was no real reason to, but then again even he was curious as to where his trailer was kept when it wasn't in use.

He transformed into his alt-mode after the go-ahead from Wheeljack. As expected, his trailer clicked neatly into place.

"Wait," the inventor called. "I wasn't looking that time. Sorry."

Optimus sighed and transformed back into robot mode.

There was a pause as Wheeljack emerged into the room, leaning against the doorframe with a video camera in his hands. "Alright, take two!"

He transformed again, feeling quite self-concious while doing so. Usually transformation wasn't partly embarassing like this, although under normal circumstances he didn't have someone watching him so closely while he transformed.

"I didn't catch it that time either." Wheeljack glared down at the Autobot-sized camera, deep in thought. "You transform too fast."

His engine rumbled with impatience, but he transformed back anyway and glared at Wheeljack.

"Sorry, sorry... just transform a bit slower."

"This is the last time for now, Wheeljack," Optimus said. "While a break every now and then is enjoyable, there are matters I have to attend to..."

He transformed for the third time, making sure that he transformed slowly enough for Wheeljack. For some strange reason, transforming at a slower pace felt... awkward. He could feel gears and parts shifting, sliding into place, moving around inside him... and then, nothing.

"Interesting..."

Optimus tried to move, although he found that something had immobilised him. His vision was tilted at a very odd angle, not to mention upside-down as well.

"What's so interesting?" he asked, his voice coming out rather distorted/choked.

Wheeljack made a nosie that sounded like some kind of strangled laugh. "You're... partially transformed. Half truck, half Autobot. Try transforming again."

He did, although to his dismay he was unable to transform into either mode. Optimus groaned. How would he explain this to Ratchet? One of the things that really annoyed the CMO was when someone messed themselves up trying stupid things.

To top it off, he wasn't particularly sure if the reason for his partial transformation counted as a "stupid thing" or an experiment. Knowing Ratchet's short temper, it was probably a "stupid thing"...

"Oh, um, Prime, sir?" Wheeljack rubbed the back of his head, a gesture he had picked up from humans when they were nervous. "Your trailer didn't appear at all this time."

-----

((I just realized that I put poor old OP through a lot of nasty situations... Poor mech.))


	7. Jealous

((The writer's block has returned... this will turn ugly.

I don't own TF.))

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**Jealous**

"Aieee!"

"He's gaining on us! Run Jazz run!"

This was one of the rare times when Optimus sorely wished he could blast the Ark's resident pranksters and put them out of commission for a day or two. However, doing so would probably land him on the receiving end of Ratchet's temper. If that wasn't the case, it would land him on the receiving end of merciless pranks from the twins. It was a lose-lose situation... for him at least.

"Come back here and remove the snails from my desk!" Optimus called after Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, and Jazz.

"You'll kill us when you catch us!" Sunstreaker howled. The three of them zipped around a corner.

"I'm not going to hurt either of you!" Then, as an afterthought, he added softly, "Much..."

Unfortunately, the escapees heard him. They vanished into the lower reaches of the ship...

*****

Optimus carefully edged towards where he could clearly see Jazz and the twins lurking.

"Think we've lost him?" Sideswipe asked.

"Nah. You don't know the Prime. He's... dedicated," Jazz replied in an undertone. "He won't give up until he's caught us."

"You're right about that," Optimus interrupted as he made his appearance. "The three of you can cut the fugitive act."

The three culprites exchanged glances.

"Never!" Jazz fled towards a ventilation shaft.

Optimus stared with growing annoyance as Jazz and the twins crawled through the shaft, to their freedom. There was absolutely no chance he would be able to fit through such a small space.

He grumbled to himself, deeply envious of everyone else's nimbler sizes. True, he may be large and intimidating, but when it came to squeezing through ventilation shafts...

He was also beginning to feel a twinge of jealousy at Jazz's and the twin's creativity when it came to pulling pranks. He hated to admit it, but stashing handfuls of snails in someone's desk wasn't a half bad idea.

Oh well. At least the snails were "recyclable" so to speak...

-----

((Critique needed. My writing's getting sloppy... again...))


	8. Turned On

((I might not be able to update as much, the next week or so is about to turn very busy... we'll see.

I don't own TF.))

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**Turned On**

Optimus snapped out of a shallow recharge as voices met his audio receptors. However, these voices didn't concern him - they did not belong to Decepticons...

No, these voices were female. And they belonged to Elita-One and Arcee.

He resolved to find out what the two femmes were doing out here.

Following the sound of their voices, he crept through thick underbrush, trying not to make any noise that would alert them of his presence.

His audios picked up another distinct noise - rushing water.

Slowly, his CPU put one and one together. Femmes chatting casually, near a source of water..

He grinned slyly behind his faceplate, a very wicked idea coming to him...

Soon enough, he was lying flat on his chest, barely concealed by a thick cover of shrubs. Even then, his ear-fins poked out from the tops of the plants. But for now, that didn't matter... he had a clear view of the large hot spring...

...and the two femmes relaxing in it.

His grin widened as he crept closer...

*****

_An hour later_

For the second time that day, Optimus was pulled out of recharge by female voices.

However, this time felt... different. For one, his head hurt much worse than it had earlier on. Also, he was sure that the formidable dent in his forehead was a recent addition.

"I don't even see how such a big mech like Optimus could have snuck up like that on us," Arcee was pondering. "And why didn't we spot him sooner?"

"He's got a way of surprising everyone," Ratchet replied. "But I gotta hand it to you, Arcee. You've got one heck of a throwing arm."

-----

((I feel so evil now.))


	9. Kickass

((Jet Judo, take two? Something keeps telling me that I didn't exactly fit the theme, but oh well...

I don't own TF))

-----

**Kickass**

Optimus threw himself to the ground just in time to avoid a barrage of laser fire from overhead. He fired a retaliation shot, and missed.

This was not a particularly good day for the Autobots. The Decepticons had them cornered and outgunned. Prowl and Ironhide were pinned behind some boulders, Jazz was down, and the Seekers were engaged in a game of Twin Tossing.

To his knowledge he was the only one not under fire.

He glanced over at Soundwave, who was looming ominously over Jazz. He didn't exactly like what was going on...

Megatron transformed into his alt-mode and flew into Soundwave's hands. Even from the sizeable distance that Optimus watched from, he could still hear the Decepticon leader's audio-smarting "I shall destroy you" speech.

There had to be something he could do. Standing by helplessly was _not_ an option...

Without thinking, he leapt into the air as high as he could and grabbed onto Skywarp's wings as the Seeker bounced Sideswipe off his cockpit.

_Great, now what?_ he thought as the two of them began descending at an alarming rate. _What do the twins do, once they grab hold of a Seeker?_

His optics widened in alarm as Skywarp swerved towards the ground near Soundwave. At this rate, a collision looked unavoidable, but the Seeker was clearly trying to steer clear.

_...Crash?_

Smashing into the ground with an irritated Decepticon overhead wasn't something that Optimus wanted to do in a hurry. He let go of Skywarp's wings and ploughed roughly into Soundwave, knocking Megatron out of his hands and to the ground.

The blue Decepticon quickly picked up his leader as he righted himself, changing his target from Jazz to Optimus.

"Ravage: Eject," Soundwave said as the cassette popped out of his chest. The feline thing pounced onto Prime's chest and sat down, snarling.

"I have waited long for this day, Optimus Prime!" Megatron cackled as Soundwave aimed him at Optimus's spark chamber.

"You've been waiting for this day more times than I care to count," Optimus remarked dryly. Even in his seemingly hopeless position, he had a bit of a plan. "And you're going to wait a lot longer."

Megatron growled something unintelligible. "Hurry up and fire, Soundwave."

Quick as a flash, Optimus brought his hand up and pressed it against the barrel of the gun/Megatron, just as Soundwave pulled the trigger.

He shut his optics and turned his head away from the explosion.

The smoke cleared to reveal a battered Ravage limping back to his dazed-looking master, and a damaged, _burnt-looking_ Megatron staggering to his feet.

"Decepticons, retreat!" he shouted as he took to the air.

Optimus grinned weakly and waved at the fleeing Decepticons with his remaining hand.

-----

((Hmm, I'm not really good at doing fight scenes where there are more than 4 characters present... there's something I need to work on. Anyway, I noticed that Megatron's shots seem to cause an explosion on things they hit, so I wondered what would happen if he shot something at point-blank in gun form... Critique is greatly appreciated :3 ))


	10. Silly

((Whoa... it's been... what, a month? since I last updated. Sorry about my sudden disappearance, my writer's block came back and homework killed me... -_- aiy. Oh well...

I don't own TF or the song I used.))

-----

**Silly**

Optimus smiled secretively as the file finished downloading onto Teletraan-I.

He set it to auto-play, then instructed the computer to send it to the Decepticon base.

Normally, when he opened a communication channel with the Decepticons, things were usually serious. Not this time, though...

He leaned back in his favorite swivel chair, folded his arms behind his head, and waited.

---

_In the Decepticon base, whatever it's called... ((I forgot again!))_

"Incoming message from the Autobots," Soundwave said in his monotone.

Megatron frowned and hesitated for a moment before replying, "Patch it through."

However, instead of Optimus Prime's red and blue form appearing on the communications screen, it displayed a rather snappily-dressed human male - dancing in front of a microphone.

"What is the meaning of this!" Starscream screeched, pointing furiously at the video screen. "Some kind of Autobot treachery?"

_We're no strangers to love..._

Soundwave's red visor flickered, his equivalent of blinking, as something clicked in his CPU.

_You know the rules, and so do I..._

"Megatron." It almost sounded like the communications officer was growling in exasperation. "Status: Rick Rolled."

---

(( ... 8D Man, I'm dumb. I haven't lost my touch for writing, have I?))


	11. Playing With Kids

((Meh... it's been another month since I've last updated.. Sorry for the wait.

I've been meaning to say this in the last 3 chapters but kept forgetting - thank you to everyone who read and reviewed. Knowing that there are people out who still read my writing and sometimes even comment on it, even though it's mostly mindless rambling, is rather comforting. Now, on to part 11...

I don't own TF))

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**Playing With Kids**

"Jazz." Optimus Prime frowned slightly as he tried to recall the bizarre term that he had in mind. "Does the term 'i prawn ur face' mean anything significant?"

From the saboteur's audio-to-audio, slag-eating grin, the term probably couldn't mean anything good.

"Context?" Jazz asked, barely managing to stifle his laughter.

Prime's frown deepened. "Well..."

*****

From how furtively he went about, one would think that Optimus was up to some kind of embarassing, secret activity. He had his communication status to "Don't disturb me unless it's important" and his connection to the internet was as secure as he could make it. The door to his quarters was closed and locked.

No, he wasn't looking for raunchy pictures of exotic cars on the internet. He was playing what humans called an "MMORPG."

It was a rather entertaining way to learn about human culture and society - the good and the bad of it. But more often than not, it was mostly a way to find out how horrible human nature could be.

Optimus had been minding his own business, his little sword-wielding avatar mining for metal ore. And then another player had interrupted him...

"this my rock u noob" flashed across his screen - at least thirty times, in rapid succession.

Optimus thought for a moment before replying, "I send my condolences to whoever taught you grammar." He wasn't too sure if he meant it sarcastically or politely.

Apparently, the disgruntled player took it as an insult. "stfu noob i prawn ur face retard"

*****

"...It's an insult of some sort, isn't it?" Optimus concluded. "Perhaps he felt that my reaction was impolite. I ought to find him and apologize -"

Jazz leaned against the wall, his grin unwavering. "Nah. Don't worry about it. A lot of young humans play that game, and most young humans have got a lot to learn when it comes to treating others with respect and patience. Just ignore them, they'll get bored and give up eventually."

Optimus mulled over the advice as he nodded absentmindedly and returned to his game.

-----

((...that was strange. I went from humor to something psychological in less than 3 kilobytes of text. I think this chapter was influenced by a lot of what I've been seeing online recently... flamers, trolls, people who just feel the need to spew hate for no reason... Well, thank you for reading some of the inane nonsense that flies through my head.))


	12. Angsty

((Ideas always sound better in my head than they turn out in WordPad.

I don't own the Transformers, I'm just borrowing them for a little bit.))

---

Sometimes, he thought, it would be better if he fit humanity's expectations for a sentient robot.

Mechanical. Efficient. Logical. Emotionless.

It wasn't that Optimus Prime wanted to be ruthless and harsh like the Decepticons, no, nothing at all like that.

More like he knew that he would crack someday under the emotional stress of being a leader.

It was probably selfish, but sometimes he wanted to feel... nothing. He wanted respite from the endless stream of worries and doubts that plagued him. _What if so-and-so dies? What if the Decepticons conquer Earth? ..._And so on.

He didn't think he'd be able to handle the guilt he would feel if he ever failed the Autobot cause. And he seriously doubted that he'd be able to live his life without failing his duty at least once.

Some day, he would slip. Some day, one of Megatron's crazy schemes would work. It could be something negligible, or it could be something devastating.

He didn't want to even think about the possibilities, much less find out.

---

((A big thank-you to everyone who has read or reviewed.))


End file.
